I think its time to issue a formal apology. Not just a passing status or fleeting “Im sorry”. But a real heartfelt sincere apology.
You see, Ive had a loss. And that loss has led to another loss and by the time I knew it, I had 2 week old messages in my mailbox and a post office box piled with 2 months of packages waiting to go out. I don’t know how it happened so quickly. When the rest of my life seemed to go by so slow, that part seemed to zip by. And that is just not the way I want to represent my business. Im a one man show, a control freak of sorts. But control was something that I lost over the past few months and I spent most days just trying to make it to the end of the day when I could crawl back into my bed and shut my brain off for a few hours.
It was memorial day weekend. I woke up and saw those familiar 2 lines. One was light but it was there. Wasnt it? It was, I think. I felt so good about it. I was excited. This was it. My 3rd baby. My family was going to be complete in just 9 long months. I felt positive about it… confident even. What did I know. I never suffered a loss. I know countless women who have. My sister, my cousins, my friends, my clients. 1 in 4 i thought. But statistically I still had a great shot right?
Unfortunately statistics weren’t quite on my side this time. Over the course of 10 LONG weeks I went from thinking I was pregnant with my last baby, to thinking maybe it was just too early to see anything, to thinking maybe it was twins and it was still too early, to knowing it was no longer too early to see anything but maybe it was just a miscarriage, to finding out it was called a “pregnancy of unknown location”, to finding out it was an ectopic pregnancy, my tube was ruptured, and I was going to have surgery to remove it.
It was a LONG process.. I mean 10 weeks is a LONG time but its an eternity when you just don’t know what is going on. You see, they couldn’t find my baby. It was there…. somewhere but they couldn’t find it on an ultrasound. Over 10 weeks I had over 25 Blood draws, 15 ultrasounds, 1 D&C, 2 doses of methotrexate to “absorb” the pregnancy, wherever it was. And finally my pregnancy was “going away” The pregnancy hormone was diminishing and I was losing the pregnancy. It was so hard to deal with. But i was getting closure. Pretty soon I would be back to normal. I moved into a new house. New house, new beginnings I thought. And then i woke up one night in excruciating pain. It couldn’t be a rupture. My hormone was decreasing. But it was. I was rushed into emergency surgery with internal bleeding and they finally found my baby. It was in my tube but they just couldn’t see it before. They took the tube and sewed me up. And that was that.
Over the past few weeks Ive been trying to pick up the pieces and put things back where they belong and it hasn’t been easy. Its easy to talk about the physical part but the emotional part is a whole different world. Its a part that gets shoved down under the scars and under the pain. It pops up unexpectedly and all of a sudden, I can’t breathe. But its a part that Im finally coming to terms with.
But as I grieve this loss, I also woke up one day and started grieving the fact that Ive let LWP take a back burner. Ive left messages unanswered, photos unordered, and packages unsent. And Ive turned a blind eye to it. And for that Im sorry. I should have made that part more of a priority and If i couldn’t do it I should have gotten someone short term that could have while I dealt with my issues. And for that I am sorry.
Im not writing this for sympathy. Im not. Im writing this because I really am sorry. And the lack of communication is very much unlike me. There was a reason. This is my reason. And every day I get a little better and back to my normal self. Ive packed up the packages in the car. Ive answered a months worth of emails. Im back on track with editing. Im getting there. So please please excuse my momentary lack of business etiquette. We all deserve a pass. A second chance. A reprieve.
And I really really really want to THANK everyone for being so understanding. Thank you for being so patient waiting! Waiting for a response, waiting for your photos, waiting to reschedule. I really appreciate it. You’ve made this part of the transition much easier. Thank you for the kind words, the nods of understanding, the solidarity in your eyes and words. Thank you for reaching out to me, your kind messages and for checking in.
Im not the first person to experience this. And I wont be the last. It happens more often than I would have ever imagined. Im so sorry for anyone who has ever gone through this. I always thought i was empathetic when Ive encountered anyone whose experienced a pregnancy loss. I thought I understood. But I didn’t. Not until now.
But onward and upward. We don’t know what life has in store for us. Maybe this was for a reason. Maybe it wasnt. But the important thing is the pieces are all but dusted up and I hope you are willing to give me another chance at offering you nothing but perfect service.